A time when my life was flipped upside down

It was a cold day on December 6th, 2018, I was up at 4:00am on my way to the surgical center; little did I know that on that day I would lose a lot more than cartilage in my knee. Not only did I have my second knee surgery but on that same day I lost my best friend, my older brother. The surgery was a success but I could tell my parents weren’t happy. This went on for five days after my surgery until finally they told me the devastating news that my older brother had passed away.

I was so upset with my parents and the entire situation. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins, I tried to seperate myself from the situation so I tore the ice pump off my knee that I was given to help reduce swelling after surgery and tried to get away. I immediately fell to the floor as I stood up from the lack of strength in my knee. I sat there and cried for what seemed like days, I felt numb, empty, and without hope. I couldn’t imagine how God could take away my best friend. The amazing guy who drove me to the mall on my birthday, the caring guy who came to my school on Grandparents Day because our grandparents passed away, the best dad to his five kids was taken 15 days before his 31st birthday. I couldn’t understand why God would do this, to his kids, to my dad, and to me. This situation caused an immense strain on my faith. I didn’t know where to begin in restoring my trust in the Lord. I tried to pray but I felt as though it wasn’t working and I could not comprehend why an amazing God would do this.

After this event I found myself not wanting to go to church, participate in Bible study, or even sing in the choir. After seven month of holding in my emotions I finally broke. It was Saturday July 6, 2019, my mom, dad, and myself were driving home from Disney World and I couldn’t take it anymore. We were somewhere in South Carolina when I started to get antsy, almost as if my seat in the car was on fire. I couldn’t fathom why on the 6th of every month I was the only one breaking down. I kept thinking to myself why doesn’t anyone care that my brother had been dead for seven months. My dad had to pull over and we had an honest talk for the first time in seven months about how he felt and how he was struggling just like me. After we returned to Maryland I finally decided it was time for me to seek help. Since then I have been attending therapy regularly and working immensely on my mental health. I have even spoken at my church and at a spokesmodel competition about the importance of seeking help.

Walt Disney once said, “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them” and since that day I have done just that. I have tried to always find the positive in any situation and to not be so close minded and self-centered, things are not always what they appear to be on the outside and those around you could be struggling just as much. Whenever I am faced with a challenge that seems too great I don’t back away. Instead I ask for help. I now know asking for help doesn’t make you weak but it makes you stronger in yourself. I also enjoy being able to look at the bright side of the situation and live in the moment rather than dwelling on the past or being apprehensive of the future. The main premise I have learned in the past three years is to never take anything for granted and that we aren’t promised tomorrow. When I wake up each morning I come up with a list of things I want to do so I feel as though I am living my life to the fullest. At the end of the day I reflect and see if I have met my goals. If I do succeed I know I have done well, and if I don’t that’s ok and I know that if I am given the next day that will be the first thing on my list. We need to live life to the fullest and never look back.