Time to Forgive Yourself

Life is short but it is always brought up in conversation as to how long the day has become. I believe there is some more intricate meaning behind these words. I think that when people think life is short, they see the different prospects that could cause it to shorten, such as falling physically or mentally ill or being involved in a natural or man-made incident/accident. This means that it is important to enjoy each day so the life we live can be as fulfilling as possible. I also see that when people remark that they have had a long day, they of course do not mean that their day has become somehow longer than twenty-four hours. People are faced with taxing situations as they have not only themselves to take care of but possibly their family, friends, or children and not to mention the other obstacles that can arise like late-notices, heat going out, or car accidents that leave them feeling like the world is out to get them. There have been times when I had this feeling of dread, for the day, where I just wanted it to end, to have a new day come. It is my belief that those long days are needed to remind each of us as to how precious life is and how impacted it can become by a simple reminder.

I remember when I was a junior, in high school, I was involved with band, had a full-time job, and being an honor rolled student. My one goal, in life, was to make my parents and sister proud and if that meant I would never sleep a full six hours again, I would do it. I started my Tuesday like how I always did at that time which consisted of me picking my best friend and her little brother up to take them to school. I was pretty exhausted but gauged it to be a normalcy which I had known. There were several songs that my friend and brother had queued to try and get us pumped for the day. About fifteen minutes into our drive I had zoned out and in “just a second” I was witnessing the aftermath of what had happened. My friend, who was fully awake during the entire episode informed me that I had fallen asleep and that that second was actually a minute. It was my luck that an instinct, in me, told me to hit the brake and the accident was less severe than it could have been. The driver that I had rear-ended was just a high school student herself and, after expressing my remorse towards the issue, she forgave me and told me that these things happen but asked why.

I did not understand the reasoning behind why I was so tired and how it could have nearly risked not only my life but the lives of my best friend and her little brother, who I also considered family. It is now that I finally see that it was a momentary lapse but a repetitive motion that I had been dealing with, in that I was distracted. I may not have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but I was distracted by how overwhelmed and tired I was. My friend and her brother tried to reassure me that it could have happened to anyone and that I should not blame myself, but I did. I knew that when I woke up that morning that I felt groggy and not my normal alert self, but I chose to not take the bus and figured once I would make it to school, I could nap during study hall. I had always been told to not let my gaze shift from the road or to not let other things take my eyes away, but I had never been warned to make sure my mind was well rested. This incident weighed heavy on my mind and even to this day I blame myself for nearly injuring myself and those nearest and dearest to me, who were involved, and I think this is what propelled some of the anxiety that I had always felt to become a little more prominent.

I had always been good at masking the creeping anxiety that would fester after I could not handle anymore that life had to give me, and this monster was only strengthened by the panic that would follow. I remember telling my dad, who had shown up later, that I did not want to drive anymore and that if I did I would be afraid as to what could come of it. I asked him how to overcome the words that are drowning mine bubbly personality, how do I get back to becoming the girl who makes everyone laugh and feel great about their day. My father shared something with me that I had never known which is that he has also suffered with his own battles of anxiety and said that making others happy should not be viewed as a job but rather a hobby that you leave at times and come back to. I was confused by what he meant but started to decipher that meaning as something I could reside in as it should be first priority to take care of oneself and if that means cancelling on some social events so you can meditate, go to the gym, golf, or play some Animal Crossing then that is what you should do. My dad is the one constant in my life, where he has brought calm unto any storm and is a continuous reminder that family is important but to do self-care on oneself to be ready for them. Do the things that can bring you inner peace, relaxation, and the ability to sleep enough so you do not find yourself having rear-ended someone. I think it should be important that everybody make sure they are physically and mentally able-bodied before operating such machinery. I believe it to also be vital that parents check in with their children to make sure that they do not feel as though their academic, social, and work life is not becoming too overwhelming for them. These are only a few interceding actions that could turn this short life into a long one.